Tales of Saucery

This is going to sound stupid but my co-worker said “Saucery” in relation to drinking alcohol and this idea got stuck in my brain until I could excise it with a rusty scalpel. Basically it’s a standard swords and sorcery fantasy type story except magic is powered by alcohol with properties dictated by what kind of booze is consumed and the tropes associated with drunks of that type.

Let me know in the comments if I should pursue this idea further or kill it with fire then shoot it out back Old Yeller style.

Saul the Learner took a heavy swig of his whiskey. His teacher coughed in disapproval. Saul downed the rest of the glass and threw it against the dusty stone wall. The heavy crystal shattered into a billion sparkling shards of what-the-hell-man?

Grimder the Lush nodded and motioned for Saul to continue. Saul staggered around a little as the whiskey set fire to his belly. He twisted his fingers around, tracing out the hidden lines of Saucery, the liquor fueled magic. The sparkling motes of glass began to swirl into a small tornado. Saul coaxed the whirlwind closer.

“What’s up?” he said. The glass tornado rushed Saul and engulfed him in it’s glittering cloud.

“Dude! What the hell man?” Saul shouted. The shards burst outwards covering the room. Everywhere they landed a blade of grass began to grow. Soon, the entire laboratory looked like a verdant meadow. Saul scratched his head and turned to look at his teacher.

Grimder sat in his chair. Grass and colorful wildflowers covered him as a dusting of heavy snow. He stroked his long beard, that was starting to attract bees from somewhere, and took a sip of wine.

“Not bad,” he said. Grimder finished his wine. He set the glass down before withdrawing a small piece of cheese from his pocket. He nibbled on the cheese.

“This goes well with the wine,” he said. As he spoke the incantation the lab returned to as it once was, the grass swirling away out a window.

“You have a talent for the Wiskeydrunk school, young Saul,” Grimder said, “A pity you haven’t found a way to make it do something useful.”

“Forgive me Master Grimder,” Saul said, “But I always found whiskey to be too strong for my taste. Perhaps if you were to show me a little of the Wineandcheesery you are so powerful in,” he let the suggestion hang in the air, eyeing the bottle of rich red wine on the table. Grimder laughed the laugh of a parent whose child asked to have a taste of beer. Kind, yet condescending.

“In good time young Saul,” the old man said, “Wineandcheesery is one of the highest arts in all Saucery. You will learn in due time.” Grimder stood from chair, hands on his lower back. He muttered and cursed to himself before shuffling over to his bottle of wine. “I think it is best I retire for the evening. You should find young Ergol and go over your Beertrips before doing the same.”

“I’d rather go into town and practice my Whoremancy,” Saul said as the old Winester was at the door.

“What did you say?” Grimder asked.

“Nothing, master. I’ll go to the kitchens and get a six-pack right away.”

The old mage squinted his eyes in thought. “Better make it a case. Ergol needs the practice.” Grimder left the laboratory, drinking from the bottle as he went.


Saul finished his second beer and dropped the bottle on the floor. He practiced making a small wooden puppet dance on a small silver stripper pole. Ergol kicked the door open and screamed his greeting.


“Wooo,” Saul said. He made the puppet clean up some of the dirty dishes left on the table. Ergol took a seat next to him on the couch.

“What’s the matter roomie? No wine again?” Saul didn’t respond except to crack open another bottle of beer the puppet brought him.

“Well don’t worry, bro,” Ergol said. “I managed to sneak something you’re going to love!” He pulled a dusty bottle of amber liquid from a rough sack. Saul’s eyebrows lifted.

“Is that?”

Ergol held the bottle to the light and shook it. Inside a small worm danced on the eddy currents in the liquid. Saul jumped to his feet then scrambled over the back of their couch. He hit the floor with a heavy thud. A few moments later he popped back over the edge, two short glasses in one hand.

“Shots!” Ergol and Saul said at the same time.

An hour and half a bottle later the room was dark. The candles had burned low, wax pooling on table tops, chairs, the floor, empty bottles. Ergol was passed out on the couch, limbs splayed in each of the four cardinal directions. Saul walked in slow circles in the center of the room.

“Think you’re so tough?” he said between swigs of the amber liquid. The candles flickered. Saul began to gesture with his free hand. He spilled some of his drink on the floor has he continued to circle.

“You’re not so tough,” he said. The candles flickered sharply and there came a low rumble. Ergol shifted in his sleep as if he were having a bad dream.

“You want to start something?” Saul shouted to the darkness. That turned out to be the wrong thing to say. The candles blew out. The air became thick and humid. Saul took another drink from the bottle.

“Come on then pussy,” he said. He wiped his mouth. The wall across from him burst into flame. A great circle opened in the flame. Though it Saul could see a burning tortured landscape stretch into infinity. His view was soon blocked by the demon as it passed into his world. An eldritch being made of fire and pain looked down at Saul.

What did you call me? It did not speak so much as crawl into Saul’s brain.

“I called you a pussy,” Saul said. Then he spit in what most resembled the demon’s face.

Saul woke up sometime later. It was morning by this point. He knew this because he could see sunlight streaming in through the massive hole in his wall. He reached for his bottle but only found a few broken pieces of jagged glass. When his vision cleared he noticed the faces Master Grimder and his roommate Ergol. Ergol covered his mouth with one hand, shoulders shaking with poorly contained laughter. Master Grimder frowned so hard Saul was worried for a moment that his face might fall off.

“Dude, you in so much trouble,” Ergol said.


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