Return of the Coffee Review: A Maxim Adventure

I’ve been staying up way too late recently. I’ve also been able to sleep in very late but that’s mainly due to a sharp decline in my “working schedule” due to a number of students either moving away, going on long trips, or just…vanishing into the maw of the city. Which means they don’t answer my emails. But I’m happy and healthy and progressing in things I love which is nice.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, coffee.

Now since most of my business takes place in coffee shops I’ve become quite an expert on coffee. Like did you know that most coffee shops call the wringings from the cleaning rag a “small regular coffee”? Now you know.

So usually I get tea at most places. Being from the South, however, I have an affinity for ice tea which takes far more work at home to produce. (Wait for the tea to cool? Why I never!) This lack of willingness to exert any effort on these beverages is what first led me to the idea of the “instant” coffee sticks. You might remember when I reviewed those with the Blendy coffee stick brand. In fact as I write this I am drinking from a cup of 1/2 calorie Blendy blend brew. Which, hilariously, is in fact literally only about half as much powder as a normal stick. Cheeky bastards.

I was in the store the other day when this other brand of coffee sticks caught my eye because they were on sale. For about 10¥ less than the Blendy brands. So, thinking there might be a blog post in this somewhere I snatched up a box of each type they had on offer. Not the best idea perhaps given my financial prospects lately but we have to press forward.

Maxim Brand Green Tea

A direct challenger to Blendy

So I wanted to start with this one because there is a direct analog to the Blendy brand sticks.

Blendy is a bit bigger I think

Not too bad. Blendy is a bit bigger but Maxim is cheaper right? Well hold on a second. According to the box up there Maxim has 4 sticks per box.

Blendy has 7/box. Well shit, maybe Maxim tastes better?

Looks good don't it?

I have to admit, the Blendy Green Tea was one of my favorites as it actually has a decent creamy texture and milky taste which is surprising from a powdered drink. This Maxim stuff doesn’t really come close. It’s watery and gritty. The green tea flavor is weak. I’m not saying it’s bilge water, but if you got served it in a proper shop you’d probably want to throw it back in the waiter’s face due to the insult to tea. But not the worst.

Maxim Caramel Macchiato

Italian for, something. Whatever

This one was the best of the bunch because it actually smelled and tasted like what was advertised on the box. I drank this one last in the cycle however and up to this point I wasn’t completely convinced that Maxim was trying to make coffee here. That’ll make sense with the next entry.

Nice if weak flavor, pleasing odor, and tasted least like soiled water.

Maxim Pumpkin Latte

Strangely not a soup

Yes, pumpkin coffee? Well that’s what they would have you believe. I’m not so convinced. This is either pumpkin or coffee, not both. Or neither. It’s hard to parse out exactly because it is really rather bland through and through.

A nice hot cup of "meh".

Maxim Strawberry Latte

Hmmmm?

I remember once when I was a child in elementary school, my mother took me out to the countryside to go strawberry picking. I remember the endless field of neat rows packed with the squat plants fat with berries. I remember picking a monster that was the size of my fist and eating it there fresh from the vine. It tasted of the good earth and pure sunshine.

This garbage called a “drink” is an abomination of the word strawberry. It stains that lovely memory of strawberries with it’s awfulness. First of all it smells like rotten milk. It tastes like a day old smear of expired whipped cream from a bottom of the case 7-11 cake that might have once “known” a strawberry like a 10 cent hooker “knows” her clients. Whoever taste tested this swill should be ashamed of themselves.

A hot cup of "go fuck yourself"

Final Verdict

The caramel “coffee” is really the only thing worth drinking to be honest. The green tea is weak with many better alternatives. The pumpkin is bland. The “strawberry” is offensive. Even so, the caramel still makes it very obvious that you’re drinking flavored water. Since I’ve still got a bunch of these sticks left I’ll try mixing them for another review and see if that does anything for them. Stay tuned!

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